OFF THE WIRE
Record for Deadliest Biker Feud in Decade Broken Thursday Outside Southern California Starbucks
By BC Bass SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- A turf war between rival motorcycle gangs that erupted outside an area Starbucks has left several men dead, authorities say. Last year in Northern California, a similar territorial dispute broke out between the Hells Angels and Vagos motorcycle clubs, stirring fears of more bloodshed as key members from each gang went missing in three different states. That incident was ranked by state law enforcement as the most severe clash of biker groups in nearly a decade. Thursday’s brawl, however, surpassed the Hells Angels-Vagos fracas in terms of body count, even though San Narciso Police dismissed theories that the feuds were related. Said SNPD spokesperson Ren Williams, “Apart from taking place outside a Starbucks -- which is virtually impossible to avoid in any city nowadays -- there’s no correlation between the two events. Also, the role of Starbucks in the 2010 massacre was coincidental. Here, it was the catalyst.”
According to SNPD investigations, the brawl began at approximately 9:49 a.m. at the intersection of Tragic Courier’s Way and Pynch Gables Blvd. in Santa Calcentines, a half-mile from the Buffum Center shopping mall. The V2 Poisson Distributions, a local club of Bennington Vale engineers and statisticians from Yoyodyne, clashed with a North Viaduct group of plant workers known as Weekend Wehrmacht. Interestingly, all parties involved were employed by Yoyodyne, although unknown to each other at the time.
The V2s had settled in at their favorite Starbucks on the corner of Pynch Gables Blvd. The Weekend Wehrmacht, habitual visitors to the Starbucks directly across the street on Tragic Courier’s Way, arrived shortly after. Because of plant closures for safety inspections and a botched earthquake preparedness drill in the corporate offices, both groups of Yoyodyne employees found themselves with a day off. “Otherwise,” Ren Williams said, “neither would have met.”
The other complication, according to Williams, was that the Weekend Wehrmacht, coming directly from Yoyodyne’s offices instead of the North Viaduct area, ended up at the Pynch Gables location.
“When the two clubs met, they began arguing,” Williams confirmed.
The initial arguments involved the V2s complaining about sharing their Starbucks with a rival group. Then, after the leader of the V2s ordered a “vanilla bean frap with a little bit of strawberry cream and a half pump of mocha,” but requested cane sugar instead of turbinado, members of the Weekend Wehrmacht pantomimed offensive gestures to imply effeminate behavior. A V2 Poisson Distribution lieutenant reacted by lashing out and accusing the Weekend Wehrmacht of being unable to differentiate “k as the number of occurrences of an event, the probability of which is given by the function, and k! as the factorial of k.”
Tensions escalated into shoving and kicking and slapping. The confrontation turned violent when a V2 rider caused the leader of the Weekend Wehrmacht to spill his drink.
Williams said, “The Wehrmacht guy ordered a tall half-skinny half-1 percent extra hot split quad shot latte with whip. He wasn’t fooling around. That order’s no BS; complicated as hell, and it takes forever to make. Once that got knocked out of his hand, he unholstered his sidearm and opened fire. That led to an outright firefight. With the county’s firm commitment to Second Amendment freedoms and open-carry policies, the presence of hand guns wasn’t unusual. In fact, it prevented the deaths of nearby civilians. For the most part, the shooting was confined to the bikers. But when the fighting got too close to the sidewalk, the bystanders drew their weapons and unloaded too. In the end, only the bikers died. No collateral casualties. So, another example of why open-carry policies work. And why Starbucks should stop spreading through every crevice of America like corporate herpes.”